I helped this kid to get into TOPS in 2017.
A favourite number of mine is 18. It is 18 because it marks adulthood responsibility, and it is unique.
Adulthood is an important stage in life. Learning to do things independently is fundamental. Something like doing the laundry washing dishes or cooking food is something someone needs to know how to do. With parents, a person must know how to do things by themselves. Knowing how to handle money responsibly is another skill. Banking at times can be a difficult without advice. All these things show how important adulthood is. [all simple sentences without conjunctions; avoid using the word things ]. List examples of what adults do: drive a car, vote for our leaders, drink wine, can be home alone without supervision
The number is also unique. The numbers 1 and 8 fit so perfectly together in harmony. Also the numbers 8 and 1 are unique. One is one line the only number that has only one straight line. Eight is the only number that has only number with two circles together almost creating an infinity sign. Putting them together creates completely new number. [and it is a lucky number that most Chinese want since it means get wealthy for sure]
Lastly the number 18 marks responsibility. In some countries it is the drinking age. Drinking can lead to many harmful situations so knowing the limit and having a trustworthy friend can help [how? Be a designated driver, advice and encouragement]. Another danger is gambling knowing when to stop is hard for addicted people. Being 18 requires lots of responsibility, will using your life irresponsibly lead to difficult problems. [drinking is a national habit the many Canadians have. It is to drink responsibly and know what is enough that is important for adults to recognize]
Even though there are problems people make there are some simple solutions for drinking there could be alternatives like juice, water, or tea. Gambling can be changed too. Counselling may be required sometimes but playing games without betting money could be a great solution too. drinking is a national habit the many Canadians have. It is to drink responsibly and know what is enough that is important for adults to recognize]
- you are not changing drinking and gambling habits of Canadians. These are big money makers for the government and gambling is labelled as a form of entertainment
- this paragraph drifts off topic to the number 18
The number 18 marks adulthood, is unique, and requires responsibility which is why it is my favourite number.
- see comment below
- learn to use conjunctions to combine ideas
- examples unclear, require further explanation and more specific examples
- fourth paragraph is irrelevant to the number 18
- see if I can find a good example for you to compare
No comments:
Post a Comment